Portalstuck
by Talltale
Summary: This is a what-if story following the events of Portal 2. The trolls are robots, and the only human there is Dave. Rated M for Karkat's language.
1. Dave: Wake Up

Your name is DAVE. You do not remember your last name or where you were for the past few years. Your recent memories include but are not limited to; the feel of a very plush bed, the scent of chemically-enhanced air, and the calls of feathery assholes. Just as you open your eyes, you notice something is missing from your face – your awesome shades. You feel a bit sad not having them, but since the memory of them is vague and since you're too cool to get overly emotional, you shrug it off. It is silent until you sit up and stand from being apparently embedded in a mattress. A voice comes on, and it sounds a little more…off than what you're supposedly use to.

"HeY wHaT'S uP bROtHer? YoU BeEN iN a wiCkEd sUSpEnsIOn fOR…nInE-SoMEtHIn' sOMeThiN. tHIs Is A cOUrTesY cAlL t' tElL yOu ThAT yOu ShOUld AbsCOnd tHe fUcK OutTA tHeRE oR sOmE ShIT…"

The voice fades out as a rather angry one from outside a nearby door replaces it in your hearing.

"HEY! IS ANYONE IN THERE? HELLO! CAN ANYONE FUCKING ANSWER ME!" You move toward the noise slowly, and as cool as you can, "I KNOW SOMEONE'S THERE. ARE YOU GONNA FUCKING OPEN THE DOOR? AT ANY TIME, NOW? NO? …COME ON, JUST OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR. THIS IS REALLY FUCKING URGENT, I KID YOU NOT."

You pause. What does this douchebag want? …Okay, well you know what he wants, but his voice seems like it's masking an ulterior motive.

"OH, JUST OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR YOU FUCKASS! …OK THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOO AGGRESSIVE…UHH…HELLO, HUMAN! WHY NOT OPEN THE DOOR? …HMM…PROBABLY SPEAKS ANOTHER HUMAN LANGUAGE…" The presumably male voice proceeds to horribly butcher the Spanish language, "NO? OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU. FINE. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A FUCKTON OF OTHER TEST SUBJECTS BEGGING ME TO HELP THEM ESCAPE. IT'S NOT LIKE THE DAMN PLACE IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE OR SOMETHING!"

Explosions? You decide to hurry your cool self over to the door, which is apparently unlocked from your side, and open it. This explosion business piques your interest.

You proceed to open the door to view a being that is linked to a giant port above from his back. He is grey-skinned with lines under his eyes that make him appear robotic. Said eyes are red, like yours, but in what were supposed to be the 'whites' instead of the irises, which on him are black. Atop his head are two nubby horn-like things that are different shades of red, and he dons a detailed silver jacket and pants with black boots and gloves. In the center of his buttoned/zipped-up jacket is the red symbol for Cancer. The port he is linked to allows him to slide right on in via ceiling.

"FINALLY! I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD—OH….OH GOD…YOU LOOK TERRIBL—UHH…GOOD! LOOKING GOOD, ACTUALLY. FOR A HUMAN. UHH…IGNORE THAT." What is he babbling about? Even if you looked like shit, you'd probably still be hot as hell. You decide to take his advice and ignore it, "SO ARE YOU DOING ALRIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T ANSWER THAT. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. EITHER WAY, YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO RECOURPERATE, SO YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT SLOW, GOT IT? GOOD."

"hEY y'All. pRePArE fOr mOtHErfUcKiNG eMErgEnCY eVAcUaTIoN tImE :o)" The voice overhead says.

"OH SHIT! OHGODOHGODOHGOD, STAY CALM, STAY CALM! OKAY…OKAY, ALL WE GOTTA DO IS PREPARE. YEAH, PREPARE! ALRIGHT, DON'T MOVE. I'LL GET OUR ASSES OUT OF HERE." He then slides to the end of his predetermined trail and is pulled up into the chute above, "OH, YEAH. I'D HANG ON TO SOMETHING IF I WERE YOU. THEN AGAIN, THAT'S JUST ME. REALLY, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT IF YOU GET SMASHED. UP TO YOU, FUCKASS."

After a few moments of nothing but the background noise, the entire room quakes, leaving you confused as to why. It appears as if the whole thing's moving on its own, causing objects to topple and crash to the ground. Clearly reality signifies your pure awesomeness, as you aren't affected much by the motion. Maybe that's just you.

The robotic being slips through the chute once more, "MOST TEST SUBJECTS EXPERIENCE SOMETHING CALLED COGNITIVE DETERIORATION AFTER A FEW MONTHS IN SUSPENSION. YOU'VE BEEN UNDER FOR A HELL OF A LOT LONGER, SO IT'S NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION THAT YOU HAVE SERIOUS BRAIN DAMAGE AND EVERYTHING I'M SAYING TO YOU MEANS NOTHING AND MAKES NO SENSE IN YOUR LITTLE FRIED HUMAN BRAIN. WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM YOUR LAME-ASS SPECIES NONETHELESS. EITHER WAY, IF YOU EVEN UNDERSTOOD A PARTICLE OF MY SPEECH, DON'T FREAK OUT. IF YOU ARE FREAKING OUT, THEN THAT'S JUST A NORMAL REACTION TO BEING TOLD THAT YOU HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE."

Freak out? What the hell is he talking about, you're too chill to freak out. And you don't have brain damage if you can still sum up the intelligence to drop it like it's hot and throw down sick fires. It isn't the time or place to really do that, so you shut your mouth and let him ramble. You're cool with it.

"DO YOU EVEN FUCKING UNDERSTAND A SMIDGEN OF WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU? A FUCKING REPLY WOULD BE NICE. A 'YES', MAYBE? OH GOD, WOULD THAT BE FUCKING GLORIOUS." You decide to humor him, and plan to do an acrobatic pirouette off of the fucking handle, but you don't feel like such a display at the moment and jump instead, "WHAT. THE FUCK. YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST SHRUGGED. BUT INSTEAD, YOU JUST DECIDE TO…FUCKING JUMP? THE SHIT. OK, OK, YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT. I'M PROBABLY FUCKING WITH A HANDICAPPED MORON, AND I'M NOT REALLY COMFORTABLE WITH THAT, IT'S PRETTY CRUEL OF ME."

You think this to be very ironic instead of cruel. You need not explain why. Regardless, you stay silent and cool as fuck.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? JUMPING'S COOL. I'VE GOT NOTHING ON JUMPING, AT LEAST YOUR POOR FRIED BRAIN KNOWS HOW TO RESPOND. IT'S CLOSE ENOUGH TO SOCIAL INTERACTION." A loud beeping now persists, and the robot slides back into his chute, "JUST…HOLD THE FUCK ON AGAIN."

"tHe MOthErFuCKin reAcToR cOrE's abOuT tO mElT dOwN, sO prEpaRe YoSelvEs oR sOmE sHit. WhAtEVerS CoOL wItH yOu. hOnK." With that, the room moves itself yet again, but this time more severely. The wall next to you begins shattering, to which you can see a thick fog just outside followed by plants and various birds. You climb over near the bed to safety, as the room began to tilt, and you wait out the disaster as the robot's voice sounds from the chute.

"OK, I WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT I'M PRETTY SCREWED RIGHT NOW. I'M IN SOME HOT FUCKING WATER, THEORETICALLY SPEAKING. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT, SO I'M RUNNING ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU HAVE AT LEAST ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO GET YOURSELF AWAY FROM THE WRECKAGE." He paused, then continued as the room still moved along its path, "ANYWAYS, THE RESERVE POWER WENT OUT, SO OF COURSE THE WHOLE GODDAMN RELAXATION CENTER HAS TO STOP WAKING UP THE FUCKING TEST SUBJECTS. AN OF COURSE, NOBODY TELL ME ANYTHING! NOOO, WHY SHOULD THEY TELL KARKAT ANYTHING! STUPID FUCKASSES. WHY SHOULD I BE KEPT INFORMED? YOU KNOW, OF THE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF FUCKING TEST SUCJECTS I'M SUPPOSE TO BE IN CHARGE OF? AND WHO'S FAULT DO YOU THINK IT'S GONNA FUCKING BE WHEN THE MANEGEMENT COMES HERE AND FINDS TEN THOUSAND MOTHERFUCKING VEGETABLES?"

The room hits various obstacles on the way to the destination that Karkat – his self-given name – is expecting the mobile box to arrive at. The whole way there, he continues to complain about his job and how annoying everyone else is and finds him to be, not to mention how many times he complained about his slight screw ups, although he didn't really go on about them as much as he did about everything else. You knew of one of your friends, from a very foggy memory, who would _love_ to be psychoanalyzing this AI. You didn't care much because you're too invested in not killing yourself via giant chunks of wall.

"OKAY, ALMOST THERE. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL IS ONE OF THE OLD TESTING TRACKS. THERE'S A PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN THERE THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET OUT. BRACE YOURSELF; I THINK THIS IS THE DOCKING STATION!"

The room slams against a sturdy wall, causing panels to fall off of it.

"FUCK. YOY KNOW WHAT? GOOD NEWS. THAT IS _NOT _A DOCKING STATION. I'LL JUST DO A FUCKING MANUEL OVERRIDE ON THIS WALL. COULD GET A BIT TECHNICAL. DON'T WORRY, IT'S PROBABLY THE FOURTH WALL I'VE HAD TO DO THIS TO. I'M USE TO IT BY NOW." All he does is re-slam the room into the wall, spitting out a bunch of swear words afterwards. He again advises you to wait, and you do, because apparently in this place, time is something that can be killed over and over again. While the room is backing up a third time, Karkat speaks yet again, "YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GUN THAT MAKES HOLES. I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT AND TOOK THAT THE WRONG WAY…UGH, WHATEVER. YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT."

This time, the metal box slams down the wall, making panels and debris fly off, leaving a pile that should allow you to transcend down into the next area you crashed into. You were about to stumble down into the room, but the voice of the AI stops you, and he continues speaking.

"HOLY SHIT, FINALLY!" He appears in the same exact spot, below the chute, rubbing his temples in a mock position of what humans generally do under stress, "I'LL BE HONEST HERE; YOU'RE PORBABLY IN NO FIT STATE TO BE RUNNING THIS PARTICULARLY COMPLICATED COGNITIVE GAUNTLET. WELL, UHH…AT LEAST YOU'RE A GOOD JUMPER. YOU'VE GOT JUMPING, KID, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. JUST DO YOUR BEST NOT TO FUCK SOMETHING UP, AND I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE IN A SECOND. ASSUMING YET AGAIN THAT YOU CAN COMPREHEND MY SPEECH."

With that, you turn your back on him – in the process probably surprising him that you were able to complete his request – and you walk into the room. You shock yourself due to the fact that the floor you were expecting to land on was glass instead, leading you into a different room. This room appeared vaguely familiar to you, as if you'd been in the place before. There was nothing more than a containment bed, a desk with a radio on it, broken glass, and a toilet. The same voice from earlier rings above.

"wHaT'S uP, mY HuMan fRiENd? wELcoMe tO aPeRtUre sCieNce EnrIcHMenT cENtEr. hOnK." He gladly and slowly, as if high or some shit, greets you yet again, "wE'rE kInDa In A BaD sItUAtIoN rIgHt nOw tHaNKs tO SoMe mOtHerFuCKin ApoCoLYpTiC eVeNts, bEyOnd OuR mOthErfuCkIn cONtRol. bUT, tHanKS tO sOmE wIcKEd EmeRGenCy TesTiNg ProToCOls, wE'Re sTilL geTtiN oUr tEsTiN oN. tHeSe PrE-reCorDed MesSaGes aRe hErE fOr inSTrUctIons aNd mOtIvatIon n sHiT, sO tHaT wE cAN sTilL bE aLL Up iN oUr sCieNcE jAzZ, eVeN dUrIN sOmE mOtHErfUckIN cRaZy sHiT gOiN oN. AiN'T thAT sWeEt oF Us? :o) aNYwaYs, a MothErfUcKin pOrtAL wIlL oPeN aNd eMerGeNcY teStIn wiLl bEgIN iN 3…2…1."

Just like that, a large orange portal opens up on an equally large white slab, and you figure this aforementioned testing has begun. You step outside to see more familiar rooms, now corrupted by plantlife. There is a broken white screen with the number '00' on top, and next to it is the room you're in, now viewable from a different standpoint thanks to the portal. You curiously step out, observing your surroundings, but get bored with it like the coolkid you are and move on to greater and more amazing things.

The testing has begun.


	2. Dave: Chat With Trollbot

Well, it seems you've gotten past the first few tests, which were all easy and low-stress. Mainly to do with cubes and buttons, which were pretty nice. There were a lot of unreal sweet jumps involved, and you landed perfectly each time either due to the fact that you're just that awesome or thanks to the kick-ass boots you're wearing. Or both. You're cool with that, or either of the two options. The over-head voice seemed to falter quite a lot, probably due to the amount of crap the facility has been through, or maybe cause it was programed to act high and slow like that. Who knows.

You step out of the elevator you've been travelling in for the past few tests now, and the voice rings once more, "tO MaKE sUrE tHaT All oUr mOtHerFUcKiN pOwER iS In oRdEr, aLL sAfeTy tHinGiEs hAvE bEeN dIsaBleD. wE toTaLLy reSPecT yO cOnCErN n sHiT, sO fEeL fReE tO aSk sOmE MotHeRfuCkIn qUesTiOns."

You stride up the stairs – yes, stride – into the rather plain-looking wrecked room that was next. A rather familiar voice starts up, sounding from a hole in the wall that presumably led into another chamber, "HEY! FUCKASS! UP HERE! OH, HEY, YOU'RE NOT AS FUCKED UP AS I THOUGHT. I CAN'T BELIVE YOU ACTUALLY LISTENED TO ME – YOU FOUND A PORTAL GUN! YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT HUMANS WITH BRAIN DAMAGE ARE THE REAL FUCKING GENIUSES. NO QUESTIONS AND SHIT, JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS."

While he's talking, you notice an orange portal slab on the ground, and another white slab behind the AI. You put two and two together, using your awesome mind to think with portals, and you portal yourself over to the bot's side to talk to him better. You figure he was probably gonna make you anyways, and although you were all down with his yelling and insulting shtick, you felt that he'd already shouted enough. In a way, you felt kind of bad for him. It was probably exhausting yelling all the time, and being programed to do so, even after nine-something-something. You can only imagine the amount of battery power he has left, or whatever he runs on.

"ALRIGHT, I GOTTA LAY SOMETHING ON YOU, HERE. IT'S PRETTY HEAVY. THEY TOLD ME TO NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DISENGAGE MYSELF FROM MY MANAGEMENT RAIL. IF I DID, THEN I'D DIE. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS PRETTY FUCKING LAME, BUT THEY WERE SERIOUS WHEN I SAID IT, AND THEY'RE PRETTY ECCENTRIC ANYWAYS, SO…I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. EITHER WAY, WE'RE OUT OF OPTIONS HERE…," You once again dazed off while he was talking, and began to ponder the various amounts of power that Karkat could run on, whilst looking for anything else that needed solving that he might ask you to do, "…SO, GET READY TO…UHH…CATCH ME, ON THE OFF CHANCE I'M NOT DEAD THE MOMENT I HOP OFF THIS FUCKING THING."

What was that he was rambling about catching something? You turn to him to find out, and he avoids your gaze, continuing his rambling, "READY? ONE….UGH….TWO….TH—OKAY. OKAY THAT'S HIGH. IT'S _TOO_ FUCKING HIGH." He backs up away from you, and you still had no idea what he wanted you to do, or what he was about to do, "ALRIGHT, FUCK IT, GOING ON THREE GIVES YOU TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. OKAY, READY? ONE! CATCHEMECATCHMECATCH—OW! FUCK!"

He apparently was talking about detaching himself from his rail, and he wanted you to catch him, or at least that's what you figured out. Feeling a bit like a tool for not listening, you rush to his side as a flurry of swearwords is thrown into the air through his mechanical mouth. You help him up to his feet, and discover that he has a bit of a limp. There are many reasons why he might have one, but you decide not to pry via mind.

"I…AM…NOT DEAD! I'M NOT DEAD! HAHA!" For once, the AI gives a genuine smile, and his mood lightens up a considerably large amount, "OKAY. HELP ME OVER TO THAT STICK IN THE WALL, AND I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING. I THINK IT'LL BE FUCKING IMPRESSIVE."

Stick in the wall? You look over to where he motioned towards, and see a port slide from out of two panels. Ignoring all dirty implications of that sentence, you assist Karkat in limping over there and he sits down, plugging himself into the wall via port in his back. He then pauses, staring up at you with his glowing blood red eyes.

"UHH, EXCUSE ME? I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT WITH YOU WATCHING." You wonder what the hell his problem is this time, "SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T DO IT IF YOU'RE FUCKING WATCHING LIKE A CREEP STARING AT A LITTLE BOY OR SOME SHIT. COULD YOU JUST TURN THE HELL AROUND FOR A SECOND? PLEASE?"

You desire to make some sort of nasty face at him, including rolling your eyes, but you gotta keep it cool. In fact, you succeed in doing so as you turn around and wait a few moments, your emotion never faltering. A few beeps are heard and the fuckas—you mean robot continues, so you are allowed to turn around, "NOW YOU CAN WATCH." A panel slides open beside him, allowing for entrance, "BAM! SECRET PANEL, BASTARD. I FUCKING ROCK. ALRIGHT, OFF WE GO."

The port detaches from his back, and you yet again assist him in getting up and walking through the opening. You get onto a metal path, end up in a room that opens a massive door, and then onto a metal path again. It appeared as though you were going through the very nooks and crannies of the facility, showing the air tubes that moved objects from place to place, including cubes and debris. All the while, the AI kept talking.

"DAMN, LOOK AT THIS SHIT! NO RAIL TO TELL US WHERE TO GO! DAMN, THIS IS AMAZING! I FEEL LIKE MY OWN BOSS FOR ONCE! WE CAN GO WHERE EVER WE WANT, AND NO ONE'S THERE TO TELL US OTHERWISE! BUT…UMM…WHERE _ARE_ WE GOING, ACTUALLY? HOLD ON LET ME GET MY BEARINGS…," He looks up to the metal beam just above, "WHAT EVER, JUST FOLLOW THE STUPID RAIL."

You continue to walk along the path, following the rail and ignoring any other diversions. For some reason, you know what it's like to bend the rules, and for the same reason, you fear that you might wind up dead. This path seems to be the safest at this point. After a bit of silence, another robotic voice is heard.

"uHH,, hELLO? hELLO? hELLO? hELLO!" You see a little body stuck in a tube. He has gray skin, large bull-like brown horns with bright red eyes, an all-white lab outfit, and a little Taurus symbol in the middle of his suit with a red blinking motion-sensor eye. He sounds pretty distraught.

"UGH…FUCK. NO, DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT, WHATEVER YOU DO. JUST…JUST DON'T." You listen to Karkat and proceed to walk past the troubled robot, who continues in wondering if someone is there, "UHH…NO THANKS! WE'RE GOOD! KEEP MOVING, KEEP MOVING…"

"uHH,, tHANKS ANYWAYS,,, I GUESS,,,"

Just before you leave, you think you hear the little bot say "i'M DIFFERENT,,," but instead of worrying about it, which you never do nor are known for doing, you move along your way through various large doors.

"I PROBABLY SHOULD BRING YOU UP TO SPEED ON SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. IN ORDER TO EXCAPE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH _HER_ CHAMBER, AND SHE WILL PROBABLY KILL US IF SHE'S AWAKE." You pause by a small room in a rather large and formal-looking hallway at the mention of the Chamber. You can see through the walls in this room, as it has all windows, probably used for monitoring something, in this case a large pod-like room connected to the hallway you and Karkat currently reside in. The sight looks so familiar, it calls back a faint memory of having seen this before. You, being so painfully cool and stuff, don't ignore it but also don't allow it to pester you. Instead, you continue on through the large hallway.

"UNLESS YOU WANNA JUST SIT HERE AND DO JACK SHIT. FOREVER. LIKE A DUMBASS. OPTION A; DO FUCKING NOTHING AND PLAY TICTACTOE FOR ETERNITY OR SOME SHIT. OPTION B; WE GO THROUGH HER CHAMBER, AND IF SHE'S ALIVE, SHE'LL ALMOST CERTAILY KILL US." This causes you to stop in your path and ponder it for a second. You do so like tictactoe. But, instead, you realize how obscenely useless that would be and your need to do awesome and wondrous things settles in, so you proceed into the hallway linked up to the large Chamber. It's a little tilted, but still manageable. At the end, the large safe-like door unlocks itself and slowly slides open, leaving Karkat a bit on-edge.

"OKAY, I'M GONNA LEAVE MY CARDS ON THE TABLE; I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. I DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO GO IN THERE. FUCK, DON'T DO IT, DON'T WALK IN—," He stops freaking out long enough to notice something, "SHE'S OFF! SHE'S OFF. PANIC OVER. WE'RE FINE. SHE'S OFF. ALL FINE, ON WE GO."

You ignore your new bud's little freak-out there, taking notice that he was obviously intending to protect you from the other, apparently evil AI. Even though it was vague as hell, for a robot. Still, it was nice of him to vaguely think of your safety after all that bitching he did about not caring. Either way, you walk through the doorway, tiptoe around more wreckage and brown water, and stand in the vicinity with a rather big-ass robot.

Said big-ass robot was a bunch of hunks of a soft white color, now damaged by dirt and scratches. At the end, or rather head, was a port linked to another gray-skinned body. 'Her' horns, as it were, were different shades of a pale green. Her outfit would be pure white if it weren't for the dirt smothered all over her, and her hair would be pitch black, like Karkat's, for the same reason. She had black lips with visible fangs poking out, and donned a dull green Virgo symbol. Apparently the symbols only glowed when the device was turned on, and that was just from you taking notice of Karkat and other bots.

"THERE SHE IS…GOD, WHAT A HIDEOUS PIECE OF WORK SHE WAS. HONESTLY, A PURE FUCKING BLOODTHIRSTY MANIAC." Said bloodthirsty maniac appeared so familiar to you, it called back a memory of seeing her in working function. You continued to listen to Karkat, "DO YOU KNOW WHO ENDED UP TAKING HER ASS DOWN IN THE END? YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS; A FUCKING HUMAN. I KNOW! I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT AT FIRST EITHER. APPARENTLY THIS HUMAN ESCAPED AND NOBODY'S SEEN HIM SINCE. THERE WAS A HUGE CHUNK OF TIME WHERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED, AND THEN THERE'S US ESCAPING NOW. YOU CAN THANK ME, YOU POOR HUMAN, BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE UP TO SPEED. OH, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING."

The two of you continued to hobble through and over the wreckage as he explained what had happened. Surely such an amazingly awesome human was to be responsible for taking this huge-ass AI out of her driver's seat? Yes, that had to be right. And since you have vague memories of her, perhaps you've done this before? You didn't know clearly, but you were pretty sure this kickass feat was your handiwork. It just _had_ to be.

You continue looking around the huge area, looking up to see a hole in the ceiling where the sky was, and then spotting another familiar contraption not too far off. It was some sort of thing that you open to light a fire or something like that. You notice that just behind it are panels missing to reveal stairs. Oh…oh god…didn't someone tell you about those stairs before? You shook off this lead and continued to go down them at Karkat's request.

"OKAY NOW JUMP! …OKAY, WAIT, THAT'S A HUGE FUCKING DISTANCE. YOU KNOW WHAT, GO AHEAD AND JUMP." You hadn't gotten as far as two steps when you realize that the rest of the stairs are missing, "YOU'VE GOT BRACES ON YOUR LEGS, SO THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT—WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

You, being the total badass you are, pick Karkat up and carry him bridal style so that he doesn't get injured in the jump. He doesn't realize this, though, and continues swearing at you until you jump. To which, he screams like hell.

"AGHH! STILL HELD! STILL BEING HELD! HOLY FUCK! GOOD HUMAN, YOU'VE APPLIED A STRONG GRIP…! OKAY…WE'RE OKAY." You let him down and the two of you continue until you arrive in a particular room, "THIS IS THE MAIN BREAKER ROOM."

You wonder what to do next.


	3. Dave: Continue Journey

"LOOK FOR A SWITCH THAT SAYS 'ESCAPE POD'. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING ELSE. NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING ELSE, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING ELSE, DON'T EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT ANYTHING ELSE—WAIT…OK, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY GOT TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING ELSE TO FIND THE ESCAPE POD SWITCH, JUST—YOU, YOU UNDERSTAND."

You proceed to search around for a switch of some kind, even though the damn room is floor-to-ceiling COVERED in fucking switches, "CAN YOU SEE IT ANYWHERE? I KNOW I FUCKING CAN'T….OKAY. TELL YOU WHAT. HELP ME OVER TO THAT PORT AND I'LL TURN THE STUPID LIGHTS ON."

The second he plugs himself in, the platform the two of you are standing on begins to rotate and move upwards. As usual, Karkat freaks the hell out, "HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS FUCKING OMINOUS…WELL, AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T START MOVING UP—FUCK FUCK FUCK IT'S MOVING UP! OKAY, OKAY, DON'T WORRY! I'VE GOT IT I'VE GOT IT! THIS SHOULD SLOW IT DOWN!" A few beeps are heard, and the platform speeds up. The edges of it cause each of the switches to flip, turning various things on, "SHIT IT MAKES IT GO FASTER! OH NO OH NO OH FUCKING SHIT OH NO!"

You wonder what's so bad about all the switches getting flipped, but once the platform reaches the top to the area where the big robot is – the one that reads KaNAYA on the side, as you just now find out – you figure out why Karkat seems more distraught than usual.

"pOwER-uP iNitIAteD : o)" The announcer sounds, just as the body of KaNAYA sparks and is lifted up back to life. As cool as you are, you admit this has you a bit worried. From what you remember, she was a bitch to defeat.

"OKAY, DON'T PANIC! ALRIGHT, STOP PANICKING! I CAN STOP THIS. AH, YES, THERE'S A PASSWORD! FUCK, FINALLY! I CAN GET PAST THIS, ALRIGHT, DON'T WORRY. I'LL JUST HACK IT." He then tried a round of lame passwords that a fucking monkey could have guessed, but each one proved to be false. Just next to them, KaNAYA is lifted up back to her original position.

"PoWeR uP coMpLEte yA'Ll"

"SHIT SHIT SHIT! OKAY, LISTEN; NEW PLAN. ACT NATURAL, ACT NATURAL, WE'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG." He swallows his embarrassment and worry and forces a shaky smile, turning his head to the other AI, though still plugged into the port, "HELLO!"

"Oh…," KaNAYA blinks open her eyes and her symbol and skin appear to glow, "It's You."

"YOU _KNOW_ HIM!"

"It's Been A Loong Time." She dusts herself off, "How Have You Been? I've Been Really Busy, Being Dead. You Know…After You **Murdered Me**?"

"YOU FUCKING DID WHAT!" Karkat turns to to, then looks up, "OH NO…OH SHIT OH NO FUCKING NO!"

Two claws come from an undetermined location to pick you up and tear Karkat from his port. You, doing your best to not freak the hell out like you friend is doing there, are lifted up to KaNAYA's level. Karkat is lifted up next to her in turn. His complaining is cut short from being squeezed a little.

"Okay, Look. We Both Said A Lot Of Things That You're Going To Regret." Karkat is then squeezed to the point where a loud crack is heard, and he begins to fizzle and he shuts down. KaNAYA continues on with her soft voice and he is thrown to the side like garbage, which to you is not cool, because he was kind of your friend, "But I Think We Can Put Our Differences Behind Us. For Science. You Monster."

You are then lifted up over to the thing that you were pretty sure you used to burn something. Okay, now you're kinda freaking out. That thing burns and kills, and she's about to drop you in it!

"I Will Say Though That Since You Went Through All The Trouble Of Waking Me Up, You Must Really, Really Enjoy Testing. I Love It, Too." You get closer and closer to the opening of the Emancipation thingy, and your free hand tries to pry yourself out of the claw's hold, "There Is Just One Small Thing We Need To Take Care Of First."

You are then dropped through the opening, falling from a very, very large height. You have no idea how high you are, because the bottom is always fogged out. The wind gets freezing as it blows past you, and you almost get crushed by a few spiked panels on the way down. Finally, you are launched over into a trashed room, much like the other rooms except with a funnel-like floor.

"Here We Are; The Incinerator. Be Careful Not To Trip Over Any Parts Of Me That Didn't Get Completely Burned When You Threw Them Down Here. The Dual Portal Device Should Be Around Here Somewhere. Once You Find It, We Can Start Testing, Just Like Old Times, Correct?"

You want to know what this broad is getting at. Does she really want to test, or does she want to amuse herself before she kills you? Either way, you aren't getting anywhere just standing there, so you trot around and balance on broken beams to get to a room you spot not far off. Once you're there, you find, in a pile of wreckage, the gun you had lost while doing some jumping around not too long ago.

"There It Is." She uses some broken panels to move some wreckage out of the way, allowing you to walk over and pick it up, "Good. You Have A Duel Portal Device. There Should Be A Way Back To The Testing Area Up Ahead."

While she talks, you spot some more white portalable surfaces not too far off, and you portal your way over there, "Once Testing Starts, I'm Required By Protocal To Keep Interaction With You To A Minimum. Luckily, We Haven't Started Testing Yet. This Will Be Our Only Chance To Talk." You continue moving on through the trashed facility to get to this testing place KaNAYA wants you to get to, with her assisting you along the way, "Do You Know The Biggest Lesson I Have Learned From What You Did? I Discovered That I Have A Sort Of Black-Box Quick-Save Feature. In The Event Of A Catastrophic Failure, The Last Two Minutes Of My Life Are Preserved For Analysis. I Was Able To – Well, Forced, Really – To Relive You Killing Me Again And Again. Forever."

So you DID kill her! You knew you were just that amazing.

"You Know, If You Had Done That To Anyone Else, They Might Devote Their Existence To Exacting Revenge? Luckily, I'm a Bigger Person Than That. I'm Happy To Put This All Behind Us And Get Back To Work. After All, We've Got A Lot To Do, And Only Sixty More Years To Do It. More Or Less. I Don't Have The Actuarial Tables In Front Of Me."

Bitch, you ain't sticking around that long! You stop in front of some more crap lying on the floor.

"I'll Just Move That Out Of The Way For You. This Place Really Is A Wreck, And I Apologize, But It Was Technically Your Fault. However, The Important Thing Is You're Back, With Me. And Now I'm Onto All Your Little Tricks, So There is Nothing To Stop Us From Testing For The Rest Of Your Life." You go on about the fallen parts, and reach an elevator, "After That, Who Knows. I Might Take Up A Hobby. Reanimating The Dead, Perhaps."

You step inside and proceed to move down. Okay, so now the _real _testing has begun.


End file.
